excerpt of the "insincerity, goodbye"

I've been changed.

I am known to be authentic, genuine, and a sweetheart. But that's not realistic. I'm also a "stubborn mule; irreceivable brat; and judgmental brat at times".  Now that we got that disclaimer out there...let's get started :)

The ideology of "feeling left out" has always struck to me when I or someone feels greatly insecure in himself/herself and its because its like a self-cry for a fragile being who just wants love. Its when there's is so much insecurity that can result in the two effects: becoming an attention seeker... or (a doormat) you are late into the night you are crawling in your corner in your room and the lies eats you alive; for me personally it was the latter.

Recently though "feeling left out" concept took on a whole new meaning- and by that I mean an additional meaning. People-some- will literally have conversations within their circles of clique friends and they will- intentionally or not-leave people OUT of their conversations. It seems to be a lightbulb going off. I will be at a friend's party, workplace, religious institution, and religious institutions small groups; and this is HAPPENING!!!! Its so subtle too, you have something to bring to the table or about to say something during a conversation and there's this excruciating halt as the person who's spotlighting the conversation or it will be two or three among the group executing the conversations and they will give you a cold shoulder AS WELL AS not bat a blind eye. Not only this is rude but this is hurtful on the receiving end. It's sad because not only I've been on the receiving end, I've witnessed many instances of this being done to other people.

I want to put it out there that not everybody's does this please don't mistaken that I am making fun of the human population for this. I am an epic fail at times and I have friends that laugh at me(nope not with me). But if you happen to fall where you do this please stop. Also we know that some of you leaving people out of their conversations are "intentionally or not" tend to also talk about people behind their backs, that needs to stop too.

And YET God persists and says earnestly: "Ali you are not a mistake. You are loved"

I can't believe it took too many instances until I realized  my worth; past instances where I would"self-victimize" and said it was my fault for all of this,  along with taking car rides when there was a gap of free time/ short breaks just to be with myself in those types of environments that are doing that. But better late than never, right???

Two thoughts the first thought, read below:

Respect. With self-respect and with tori kelly's lyric "when you feed a soul you are able to fill a heart"

Respect again.

Second, there's this scripture that comes to mind in remembrance of "meditating" during circumstances like this its from Psalms 107:35-41

He turned the desert into pools of water and 
the parched ground into flowing springs; 
there he brought the hungry to live,
and they founded a city where they could settle.
They sowed fields and planted vineyards
that yielded a fruitful harvest;
he blessed them, and their numbers greatly increased,
and he did not let their herds diminished
Then their numbers decreased, and they were humbled
by oppression, calamity, and sorrow;
he who pours contempt on nobles
made them wander in a trackless waste.
But he lifted the needy out of their affliction
and increased their families like flocks.

I'm reaching out to you. Pray for me. xoxo